1981 – 1982

[The Smith / Gallup / Tolhurst Cure]

The Holy Hour

I kneel and wait in silence   As one by one the people slip away   Into the night   The quiet and empty bodies   Kiss the ground before they pray   Kiss the ground   And slip away…

I sit and listen dreamlessly   A promise of salvation makes me stay   Then look at your face   And feel my heart pushed in   As all around the children play   The games they tired of yesterday   They play

I stand and hear my voice   Cry out   A wordless scream at ancient power   It breaks against stone   I softly leave you crying…

I cannot hold what you devour   The sacrifice of penance   In the holy hour

 

Primary

The innocence of sleeping children   Dressed in white   And slowly dreaming   Stops all time   I slow my steps and start to blur   So many years have filled my heart   I never thought I’d say those words

The further we go   And older we grow   The more we know   The less we show

The very first time I saw your face   I thought of a song   And quickly changed the tune   The very first time I touched your skin   I thought of a story   And rushed to reach the end   Too soon

Oh remember   Please   Don’t change

And so the fall came   Thirteen years   A shiny ring   And how I could forget your name   The air no longer in my throat   Another perfect lie is choked   But it always feels the same

So they close together   Dressed in red and yellow   Innocent forever   Sleeping children in their blue soft rooms   Still dream…

 

Other Voices

Whisper your name in an empty room   You brush past my skin   As soft as fur   Taking hold   I taste your scent   Distant noises   Other voices   Pounding in my broken head   Commit the sin   Commit yourself   And all the other voices said   Change your mind   You’re always wrong

Come around at Christmas   I really have to see you   Smile at me slyly   Another festive compromise   But I live with desertion   And eight million people   Distant noises   Other voices   Pulsing in my swinging arms   Caress the sound   So many dead   And all the other voices said   Change your mind   You’re always wrong

 

All Cats Are Grey

I never thought that I would find myself   In bed amongst the stones   The columns are all men   Begging to crush me   No shapes sail on the dark deep lakes   And no flags wave me home

In the caves   All cats are grey   In the caves   The textures coat my skin   In the death cell   A single note   Rings on and on and on…

 

The Funeral Party

Two pale figures   Ache in silence   Timeless   In the quiet ground   Side by side   In age and sadness

I watched   And acted wordlessly   As piece by piece   You performed your story   Moving through an unknown past   Dancing at the funeral party

Memories of children’s’ dreams   Lie lifeless   Fading   Lifeless   Hand in hand with fear and shadows   Crying at the funeral party

I heard a song   And turned away   As piece by piece   You performed your story   Noiselessly across the floor   Dancing at the funeral party

 

Doubt

Stop my flight to fight   And die   And take a stand to change my life   So savage with red desperation   I clench my hands   You draw your claws   A hidden rage consumes my heart   As fuelled by years of wasted time   I close my eyes   And tense myself   And screaming   Throw myself in fury over the edge   And into your blood

Tear at flesh   And rip at skin   And smash at doubt   I have to break you   Fury drives my vicious blows   I see you fall but still I strike you   Again and again   Your body falls   The movement is sharp and clear and pure   And gone   I stop and kneel beside you   Drained of everything but pain

Screaming throw myself in fury   Over the edge and into your blood

Kiss you once and see you writhe   Hold you close and hear you cry   Kiss your eyes and finish your life   Finish your life

Again and again   Your body falls   The movement is sharp and clear and pure   And gone   I stop and kneel beside you   Knowing I’ll murder you again tonight

 

The Drowning Man

She stands twelve feet above the flood   She stares   Alone   Across the water

The loneliness grows and slowly   Fills her frozen body   Sliding downwards

One by one her senses die   The memories fade   And leave her eyes   Still seeing worlds that never were   And one by one the bright birds leave her…

Starting at the violent sound   She tries to turn   But final   Noiseless   Slips and strikes her soft dark head   The water bows   Receives her   And drowns her at its ease…

I would have left the world all bleeding   Could I only help you love   The fleeting shapes   So many years ago   So young and beautiful and brave

Everything was true   It couldn’t be a story…   I wish it was all true   I wish it couldn’t be a story

The words all left me   Lifeless   Hoping   Breathing like the drowning man

Oh Fucshia!   You leave me   Breathing like the drowning man   Breathing like the drowning man

 

Faith

Catch me if I fall   I’m losing hold   I can’t just carry on this way   And every time   I turn away   Lose another blind game   The idea of perfection holds me…   Suddenly I see you change   Everything at once   The same   But the mountain never moves…

Rape me like a child   Christened in blood   Painted like an unknown saint   There’s nothing left but hope…   Your voice is dead   And old   And always empty   Trust in me through closing years   Perfect moments wait…   If only we could stay   Please   Say the right words   Or cry like the stone white clown   And stand   Lost forever in a happy crowd…

No one lifts their hands   No one lifts their eyes   Justified with empty words   The party just gets better and better…

I went away alone   With nothing left   But faith

 

Charlotte Sometimes

All the faces   All the voices blur   Change to one face   Change to one voice   Prepare yourself for bed   The light seems bright   And glares on white walls   All the sounds of   Charlotte sometimes   Into the night with   Charlotte sometimes

Night after night she lay alone in bed   Her eyes so open to the dark   The streets all looked so strange   They seemed so far away   But Charlotte did not cry

The people seemed so close   Playing expressionless games   The people seemed   So close   So many   Other names…

Sometimes I’m dreaming   Where all the other people dance   Sometimes I’m dreaming   Charlotte sometimes   Sometimes I’m dreaming   Expressionless the trance   Sometimes I’m dreaming   So many different names   Sometimes I’m dreaming   The sounds all stay the same   Sometimes I’m dreaming   She hopes to open shadowed eyes   On a different world   Come to me   Scared princess   Charlotte sometimes

On that bleak track   (See the sun is gone again)   The tears were pouring down her face   She was crying and crying for a girl   Who died so many years before…

Sometimes I dream   Where all the other people dance   Sometimes I dream   Charlotte sometimes   Sometimes I dream   The sounds all stay the same   Sometimes I’m dreaming   There are so many different names   Sometimes I dream   Sometimes I dream…

Charlotte sometimes crying for herself   Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself   But it’s always with love   With so much love it looks like   Everything else   Of Charlotte sometimes   So far away   Glass sealed and pretty   Charlotte sometimes

 

Splintered in her Head

Shape is still   Asleep   With the toys   As tall as men   The pictures in the hallway   Turning inside   Whispers   Unseen   Jumping against the sky   Slipping away   He looks   For the last time…

 

One Hundred Years

It doesn’t matter if we all die   Ambition in the back of a black car   In a high building there is so much to do   Going home time   A story on the radio…

Something small falls out of your mouth   And we laugh   A prayer for something better   A prayer   For something better   Please love me   Meet my mother…   But the fear takes hold   Creeping up the stairs in the dark   Waiting for the death blow

Stroking your hair as the patriots are shot   Fighting for freedom on the television   Sharing the world with slaughtered pigs   Have we got everything?   She struggles to get away…

The pain   And the creeping feeling   A little black haired girl   Waiting for Saturday   The death of her father pushing her   Pushing her white face into the mirror   Aching inside me   And turn me round   Just like the old days   Just like the old days

Caressing an old man   And painting a lifeless face   Just a piece of new meat in a clean room   The soldiers close in under a yellow moon   All shadows and deliverance   Under a black flag   A hundred years of blood   Crimson   The ribbon tightens round my throat   I open my mouth   And my head bursts open   A sound like a tiger thrashing in the water   Thrashing in the water   Over and over   We die one after the other   Over and over   We die one after the other after the other…

It feels like a hundred years   One hundred years…

 

A Short Term Effect

Movement   No movement   Just a falling bird   Cold as it hits the bleeding ground   He lived and died…   Catch sight   Cover me with earth   Draped in black   Static   White sound

A day without substance   A change of thought   An atmosphere that rots with time   Colours that flicker in water   A short term effect

Scream!   As she tries to push him over   Helpless and sick   With teeth of madness   Jump jump dance and sing   Sideways across the desert   A charcoal face   Bites my hand   Time is sweet   Derange and disengage everything

A day without substance   A change of thought   The atmosphere rots with time   Colours that flicker in water   A short term effect

An echo   And a stranger’s hand   A short term effect   An echo   And a stranger’s hand   A short term effect

 

The Hanging Garden

Creatures kissing in the rain   Shapeless in the dark again   In the hanging garden   Please don’t speak   In the hanging garden   No one sleeps

Catching haloes on the moon   Gives my hands the shapes of angels   In the heat of the night   The animals scream   In the heat of the night   Walking into a dream…

Fall fall fall fall   Into the walls   Jump jump out of time   Fall fall fall fall   Out of the sky   Cover my face as the animals cry   In the hanging garden

Creatures kissing in the rain   Shapeless in the dark again   In a hanging garden   Change the past   In a hanging garden   Wearing furs and masks…

Fall fall fall fall   Into the walls   Jump jump out of time   Fall fall fall fall   Out of the sky   Cover my face as the animals die   In the hanging garden

In the hanging garden

 

Siamese Twins

I chose an eternity of this   Like falling angels   The world disappeared   Laughing into the fire   Is it always like this?   Flesh and blood and the first kiss   The first colours   The first kiss

We writhed under a red light   Voodoo smile   Siamese twins   A girl at the window looks at me for an hour   Then everything falls apart   Broken inside me   It falls apart

The walls and the ceiling move in time   Push a blade into my hands   Slowly up the stairs   And into the room   Is it always like this?

Dancing in my pocket   Worms eat my skin   She glows and grows   With arms outstretched   Her legs around me…

In the morning I cried

Leave me to die   You won’t remember my voice   I walked away and grew old   You never talk   We never smile   I scream   You’re nothing   I don’t need you any more   You’re nothing

It fades and spins   Fades and spins…

Sing out loud   We all die!!!   Laughing into the fire…

Is it always like this?

 

The Figurehead

Sharp and open   Leave me alone   And sleeping less every night   As the days become heavier and weighted   Waiting   In the cold light   A noise   A scream tears my clothes as the figurines tighten   With spiders inside them   And dust on the lips of a vision of hell   I laughed in the mirror for the first time in a year

A hundred other words blind me with your purity   Like an old painted doll in the throes of dance   I think about tomorrow   Please let me sleep   As I slip down the window   Freshly squashed fly   You mean nothing   You mean nothing

I can lose myself in Chinese art and American girls   All the time   Lose me in the dark   Please do it right   Run into the night   I will lose myself tomorrow   Crimson pain   My heart explodes   My memory in a fire   And someone will listen   At least for a short while…

I can never say no to anyone but you

Too many secrets   Too many lies   Writhing with hatred   Too many secrets   Please make it good tonight…   But the same image haunts me   In sequence   In despair of time

I will never be clean again   I touched her eyes   Pressed my stained face   I will never be clean again

Touch her eyes   Press my stained face   I will never be clean again

I will never be clean again

 

A Strange Day

Give me your eyes   That I might see the blind man kissing my hands   The sun is humming   My head turns to dust as he plays on his knees

And the sand   And the sea grows   I close my eyes   Move slowly through drowning waves   Going away on a strange day

And I laugh as I drift in the wind   Blind   Dancing on a beach of stone   Cherish the faces as they wait for the end   A sudden hush across the water   And we’re here again…

And the sand   And the sea grows   I close my eyes   Move slowly through drowning waves   Going away   On a strange day

My head falls backs   And the walls crash down   And the sky   And the impossible   Explode   Held for one moment I remember a song   An impression of sound   Then everything is gone   Forever

A strange day…

 

Cold

Scarred   Your back was turned   Curled like an embryo   Take another face   You will be kissed again   I was cold as I mouthed the words   And crawled across the mirror

I wait   Await the next breath   Your name   Like ice into my heart

A shallow grave   A monument to the ruined age   Ice in my eyes   And eyes like ice don’t move   Screaming at the moon   Another past time

Your name   Like ice into my heart

Everything as cold as life   Can no one save you?   Everything   As cold as silence   And you will never say a word

Your name   Like ice into my heart

 

Pornography

A hand in my mouth   A life spills into the flowers   We all look so perfect   As we all fall down   In an electric glare   The old man cracks with age   She found his last picture   In the ashes of the fire   An image of the queen   Echoes round the sweating bed   Sour yellow sounds inside my head   In books   And films   And in life   And in heaven   The sound of slaughter   As your body turns

But it’s too late

One more day like today and I’ll kill you   A desire for flesh   And real blood   I’ll watch you drown in the shower   Pushing my life through your open eyes

I must fight this sickness   Find a cure   I must fight this sickness…